I mean, literally. Just sucks a big, veiny, dick. But I digress. As you can tell from the headline, college life (and work life, but that is a different story) just sort of took my real life and ran with it this past semester. Like they were Olympian runners. You're not Bruce Jenner, College. Quit trying to run away with shit. So I have decided to do two things:
1. I will be holding myself to the standard of blogging once a week. Every Sunday I'll post a new entry. Even if I'm feeling particularly uninspired, I will post a page of pure stream of consciousness thinking, or my grocery list, or a list of all of the shit I'm currently procrastinating doing. Even if that's all I can think of, it'll be up here.
2. I will absolutely not, not EVER, lose myself in school, or work, or any project or person, the way I've kind of lost myself in college in general, but this past year in particular, ever again. Seriously. Just no. Which brings me to the real topic of this entry...
I have always been particularly high-strung. I've also always been very ambitious and very unafraid of admitting what I want out of life and willing to work for those things. This made me convinced that I needed to do certain things to help realize my ambitions that I didn't really want to do, but that's ok because the world is just not a wish granting factory. You can't get what you want all the time but if you just stick it out with the shit you'll get what you want in the end. Um, yeah fuck that. I worked my ass off for 4 years between school and various jobs. And now I'm feeling like that was all sort of wasted time. I was so convinced that I had to get the best grades because nursing school was so competitive (which is sort of true, but the stress I put on myself to get in was of absolutely no help and I really wound up being admitted in spite of all of my self-destructive stressing, not because of it) and so convinced that I had to work constantly (p.s. I really didn't need to) that there were times over the last 4 years when I made myself really, really unhappy. And now I don't feel like suffering through all of that shit has got me to a better place. This is not a bitching blog post. In general, my life is hella-fucking-awesome. I have the most amazing family (so supportive of all my aspirations, even the ones they don't totally agree with), sincere friends, and a comfortable living situation. Already better off than ~60% of the earth's population already. But with the insight I now have, I've decided to give you a list of things I would have done differently if given another crack at college living.
1. Asked myself what would have made ME happiest to get out of college life, then picked a school based on that. Instead I saw and heard a lot about what college was supposed to be like: parties, sex, last minute cramming, and lots and lots of ramen. I took all of that and without much introspection or insight thought, "Yeah, that sounds good! Let's pick a college based on that!" I think I would have been a lot happier if I'd taken a moment to ask myself if that was really what I wanted. I also would not have gone to a state school where the majority of the undergrad population belongs to some greek organization or is involved in a hard core Christian/Baptist student organization. I would also not have chosen a place where all of the girls wear the same.fucking.thing.all.the.fucking.time. I don't care how much you love Vera Bradley and Northface, or how comfy Uggs supposedly are (by the way, they're ugly as fuck in case you were wondering). Most of you are wearing this crap because it's trendy. Stop lying to yourself.
2. Picked a cause and an organization to get involved in. You have to get involved to make friends in college. It really doesn't just magically happen. Plus, I'm so passionate about so many things I regret not taking that passion and using it to advance something worthwhile.
3. WORKED LESS!!! There is such a thing as balance. I'm apparently not very good at it... yet
4. Exercised regularly. It's not just about keeping weight off. We are one lazy-ass nation. When I would go through a phase of religiously exercising every day I felt AMAZING! I focused better, I had more energy, and I just felt less stressed and more confident in general.
5. Walked outside occasionally. Even though the college I went to for my first two years (when I realized I hated it I transferred back home so I could commute and save money) was not for me, it had a gorgeous campus. I might have done a lot of walking in between classroom buildings, but I wish I had just taken some time to just be outside and enjoy it.
6. Made a habit of studying right after class to help retain more information and make all-nighters a little less necessary. So I still don't know if I would or could do it, but cramming sucks serious balls. I mean I really hate it. I can just be so lazy sometimes.
7. Blown off my friends for work a lot less. Seriously, the fact that I still have any is more a testament to their awesomeness than mine.
8. Been honest about how hard it was. Every time I got on facebook I felt like everyone was posting pictures from some amazing party they went to with their new friends and it just made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Honesty is not usually something I struggle with, but I was pretty unwilling to admit, even to myself sometimes, that the social side of college was a struggle for me. It just felt like failure, especially since I was so outgoing and had tons of friends back home. Chances are though, if you find your cozy niche in a small, private, all-girls high school in a pack of stone-cold wierdos, you won't necessarily not find a similar or even improved niche in college (because college does give you a glorious and somewhat unique option of reinventing yourself), but it will probably be a lot harder. That goes back to #1, do your research and know thyself.
9. Traveled. I have traveled some, but I really wish I had taken one of those amazing positions at a hostel or on an organic farm abroad so I could immerse myself in a foreign culture and revel in the beauty of lostness. I'm actually a pretty adventurous person, despite my Type A personality, and I know that sort of thing would have been an amazing opportunity. Those things get harder to do when you graduate and have to get a big girl job.
10. Gotten an impractical hair style. Seriously, just so I could look at pictures of myself from the glory days with a BAMF hair style and show them to my grandchildren. "Guess what kids? Granny's always been a bad ass."
Luckily though, I'm not dead yet. And I intended to introduce as many of these corrections into my life as I can in my next and last year of college. Don't worry, I'll keep you updated on my progress :)
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